I spent my Friday volunteering for more and more projects so I would have no time to think about the fact that results would be posted at 6 PM and I would then know whether I was worthy of a CA license or not. At 4PM I closed my laptop, tried hard to concentrate, tried to meditate and when all proved futile I leashed my dog and walked out of the house, since I needed air.
I walked alongside one of the farm fields nearby and focused on the beauty of California’s blue skies. I was trying hard to contain my anxiety. I thought of all the reasons why it would be a tragedy not to pass. I’d prove to myself I am a failure, I’d show myself I don’t have what it takes and it was a waste of time, energy and money to have embarked in this project. Why did I decide to take this stupid test anyway!? I needed this to go well, I had to do it right, I had to be on the passing list or I was a loser. Then I thought of myself almost two decades ago fresh out of law school back in Argentina, so ready to take over the world. If I wasn’t afraid to fail then, why now? I thought of all the obstacles I’ve tackled since I moved to the United States. Language barriers, prejudice and racism among them. Still I built a family with a partner who thinks I am about the most perfect creature walking the face of the planet and even survived–-against all the odds–-an accident that resulted in a spinal fusion that forever reduced my mobility and took years of my life in rehabilitation. So what the hell am I so worried about? I thought.
I dared to try and that is the real triumph. I opened those damned Barbri books after having been a lawyer for about 20 years. I dared to try after working hard to master a language I was not brought up speaking. The test came after studying so hard that once it was over I slept for 16 hours straight. I studied while my 3 children slept or where in school themselves. I still cooked dinner every night and went back to the books after. I put up with a pandemic that resulted in bar exam delays, change of exam format, change of the scoring system and a million glitchy test tries that left exam takers confused and scared.
So while wrestling with what failing would mean I realized, I was far from being a failure. Moreover, If I passed this test I wouldn’t be better, I would be the same me. A new door was going to open but the one walking through would be this same determined woman. “To hell with the results, I am enough” I said out loud and walked the dog back home.
By 6pm there was pizza on the table and kids were arguing about what movie they’d watch.I went upstairs to check my computer for news. When I saw “Pass” in my applicant status I screamed happy screams that made everyone run upstairs. A second later we were a pile of humans and I was a crying mess. My 5-year-old was slightly scared by the commotion while my 14-year-old tried to explain to him what was going on. Then I saw my 12-year-old daughter, she was there looking at me and smiling. I loved that she will remember this when she herself is a grown woman. I am enough and was enough before this too, I thought. But of course, victory is sweet and I found myself crying tears of joy in my children’s arms.
That night my dinner was my most expensive bottle of California wine and cake with buttercream frosting. I ate and laughed and celebrated. As I celebrated that a latina in her 40s passed the CA bar, I knew that young and bold Argentinian lawyer was so proud of her older self. I passed after raising 3 kids, after a freak accident, years of rehabilitation, a move across the continent, and a pandemic. What is coming my way now? I don’t know, but I did this and I will do so much more. I am just getting started.
Maria Victoria Espinosa
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